Was this ad really necessary? (Adult)

I hate this goddam commercial.

Why? Oh man ... where do I begin?

For starters, creating a cure for erectile dysfunction has got to be the most unnecessary medical breakthrough of the last quarter century. It's kind of like finding a cure for unwanted nose hair. Let's not forget that as of this writing, there are still no cures for cancer, heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, paralysis, Alzheimer's, etc. etc. etc.

But we nailed ED.

Je suis naïve? Hell non; I know that annual sales of ED drugs are more than one billion dollars. That's a lot of flaccid penises. There's obviously a demand, and the drug companies are making more money than the combined GDP of all the countries of Sub-Saharan Africa in meeting that demand. But what good is a drug that helps an old guy get a boner if he's gonna croak in his 50s or 60s from cancer or heart disease? Or, even worse, what happens to all those ladies in the same age bracket? Are we going to let them die from cancer and heart disease after they put up that spirited, terrified flight from The Old Pecker That Roared? That hardly seems right.

It all boils down to a truly warped and absolutely perverted sense of priorities. Cocks before chemo. But hey, men still make 95% of the important decisions in this world. I believe James Brown sang a song about it once.

Speaking of songs, that's another beef I have with this ad. It's hard to imagine the Presley estate is short on cash, so why did they sell out to Pfizer and let them make this abomination? What, did they need another bag of money to hold open a door down the hall? My theory is Priscilla found a way to get back at Elvis for his well-publicized tryst with Ann-Margret; they co-starred together in the 1964 film (gasp!) "Viva Las Vegas."

So if anyone out there is still clinging to the belief that Elvis isn't dead, listen up: He's probably seen this ad on television somewhere and the shock finished him off.

Which is a convenient segue to my next complaint about these ED drugs: It's not possible to watch any channel of broadcast television for all of 45 minutes without seeing at least one ad for either Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. Think "Spongebob Squarepants" is immune? Think again. I can't wait for the day when I need to explain to my two young sons why the man stopped washing his car and went into the house after the lady who looks like she just sat on something sharp. Oh, and watching those white soap suds slowly ooooooze their way down the curves of that automobile was a nice touch of erotica - don't think I missed what you're trying to say there. But I'll spare you (and myself) the shame and not share those details with my boys.

(Hey, that last ED drug I mentioned? Levitra? Pure evil. Health Canada sez that in rare cases it may cause "penile tissue damage and permanent loss of potency." Super. Imagine first having ED, then taking Levitra for it, and winding up with a cock that looks like a pretzel. Nice.)

Finally, I turn my contempt to the ad itself and the six male "actors" who are in it. Omigod, what a bunch of assholes.

(Sorry about the language, but I am a firm believer in using the right word for the right occasion and, at 3:18 am, this one fits perfectly. Besides, I never said this was a G-rated blog. However, I will promise to keep the swearing to a minimum. I find that people who use foul language excessively come off as uneducated. So again, my apologies).

Now, where was I? Oh yeah - assholes, every one of them. These limp dickers have no class at all. You know that each one of them read the script for this ad ahead of time, and none of them had a problem with any cheese-covered part of it. They didn't have any problem helping put this piece of crap together. They must HATE Elvis. And did I call these losers "actors?" It sounds like they're lip synching. Upon closer inspection, it doesn't look like these guys are playing their (ahem) instruments either, and I'll be damned if there's a harmonica playing at any time, so what's with the prop?

AND this ad has major legitimacy problems. Here's a question: What six guys are gonna sit around at the old road house pickin' guitars and singing about their erections? Six GAY guys, that's who. They're not about to go home and "get some" - they've already performed unconventional sexual acts on each other for the last four hours and that poor dog had to watch. And as this wretched ad finally draws to a close, we see these jackoffs exchanging high fives and flashing peace signs to each other before they peel the hell outta there in their trucks and motorcycles. I'm so disappointed that the much ballyhooed sudden decrease in vision doesn't kick in en masse and they don't drive off the rim of the Grand Canyon and perish in a cataclysmic fireball with that obnoxious, animated "Viva Viagra" logo coming through the flames. That'd be the best ending ever! I'd gladly watch this ad the normal 294 times a day if it ended like that. Alas.

So that's why I hate this commercial.

Oh, and Elvis? If you're reading this, I got your back.